August 6th 2004

Not a good day really. I discovered very late last night that my Auntie Phyllis had died. My brother had left a message at home for me which Deb had picked up when she went to check on the flat. She called him and he told her what had happened and that the funeral was on Friday. He told Deb not to tell me but of course she had as Jade quite rightly pointed out, she didn’t have the right to withhold it from me. So of course I rang my brother. He was NOT impressed with my being away especially what I was doing and a frosty argument ensued. I hung up and then had to make a decision on whether to leave first thing in the morning.

I went looking for Jan but found Tony instead and he briefly talked to me about it and it sort of helped focus my thoughts. I decided that even if I left first thing getting to Selsey on time was going to be nigh on impossible, so I would say my goodbyes in my own way.

Of course I haven’t slept well, not with a bereavement and a pissed off brother to contend with, and today is a big day with assessments and the dem, so instead of meditating this morning I went for a walk and said hello to the horses that live in the field next to the main entrance. It was a very bucolic experience, the summer sun shining, insects buzzing around and the curious horses ambling over to say hello and take the my offering of the long grass that grew my side of the fence. I walked round to the back of the mansion and across the lawns to the old majestic tulip tree. You can feel the ancient wisdom and energy in the tree and the other day for the first time in my life I'd been moved to hug it. Today though I just sat under its graceful boughs, aware that Auntie Phyll was probably nearby and that all the sisters had at last been reunited. She was well into her eighties so it was a good run and she hadn’t left the house in a few years, so now she was free of that and the infirmities that age brings. I have only happy memories of a lady I once called my favourite auntie.

In fact all three of mum’s sisters were favourites and at least one of them, Auntie Gladys, was with me all week. Why do I say that? Well because every time I’d looked at Jan I kept seeing her, but sometimes it would turn into Gill, my Auntie Phyllis’ daughter. Gladys I called my ‘other mother’ and used to send her a mother’s day card as well as mum herself. Gladys was the one who really encouraged me to open up my mind about psychic and spirit things, and we had endless discussions while we were working behind the bar of her pub during the holidays or on the quiet country evenings during the winters I lived in Selsey. I miss her as much as I miss mum. She was a very special lady, as indeed were both the other sisters who always seemed to be surrounded by boisterous nephews and nieces. There was so much love and I feel little guilty that I haven’t the same relationship any more with my cousins down there, or even with my only nephew. I hate that my brother and I have had such a falling out. We haven’t been like that with each other for years but somehow I felt regressed, like the child I used to be instead of a 42 year old man. I suppose thap happens when your brother is 14 years older. You'll always be the baby of the family. I thought so much had changed between us, but underneath I suppose it hasn’t much. Even so, that just means I ought to make more effort. After all how long have any of us got here and anyway, aren’t we supposed to be working out karma and our relationships?

I’ve digressed. We each had individual assessments this morning. Jan was very encouraging and urged me to reach higher onto the spiritual plane rather than just at the psychic. I’m having trouble getting there but it’ll come with practice. I said I wanted to work with colour in some way because that just feel so natural, so I’m going to buy a tin of pastels as a starting point. Jan said yes, you could give someone a colour and work from that. We also talked about what had happened and she said well, you know, I’ve felt shadowed all week whenever I’ve looked at you, so I explained I’d been seeing my aunt and niece’s face too. It finished with Jan giving me a pep talk about the dem this afternoon, which I was grateful for as I was as nervous as hell by then.

The day was a bit unreal really, waiting for dem time to come round, but in between there were some optional sessions so I went into one of Donna’s which was about spirit guides, who are they and what should we expect from them (and them from us). It was interesting and deserved to be better attended but it was very hot, and after an intensive week people were running out of steam. Not to mention getting nervous about their dems.

Outside I saw Rick. During one of our group sessions he had drawn a picture of a lady which he was sure belonged to me. At the time I was sure it didn’t but I asked for a second look and lo and behold, there was Auntie Phyllis, though younger. More like she was when I was a smalll child. One of the things that threw me was that the person’s name was Doreen and I don’t have an aunt called Doreen but of course it’s the name of my road. The other thing written on it was bossy boots and aunt. Correct on both counts but the bossy one really is the daughter I’ve been seeing on Jan’s face all week. And then there was mum trying to come through during Donna’s reading. It looks like for days my family in spirit were trying to reach me to let me know Phyllis had passed over. I guess that sometimes the missing piece of the puzzle that links it all together is yourself.

Well, before long it was time to hit the haunted library where Matthew’s group were demming for our group. They did ever so well. Just like us they had someone to give an opening address, an MC for want of a better word, different types of readings using different methods, some talking and a close. By the time it finished the energy in the room was high and there was such a positive atmosphere. Mind you, knowing I was imminently due to go on I started to get the collywobbles. I silently opened my mind to the spirit world and asked for help, and also sort of expanded it to get in touch with whoever might be there. Couldn’t sense a thing so I said pleeeeese help! I need some kind of sign you’re there. I was a nervous wreck and wondered mutely why I couldn’t be more like Frida, so calm and cool and centred. At almost that moment someone put on a tape recorder and what started playing but ABBA! And not any old ABBA, no, what we had was Frida’s clear tones singing I Have a Dream. Ok, not my favourite and a bit schmaltzy but the sign was unmistakable and I calmed right down.

Donna’s group arrived and it was time for the show to begin. Margaret was MC and there were some philosophical readings to get the balls rolling. Then the energy went up with demonstrations of psychic art, a group mediumistic reading, singles readings and so on. Then it was my turn. Just before Donna’s group arrived I’d been leafing through Jan’s portfolio and had been drawn to one painting in particular. I put it to one side and when the audience came in I scanned them to see who the painting ‘belonged’ to. When Alfie had stood up to do his reading earlier on I’d been mortified because he’d picked ‘my’ lady and I had looked round and round to find someone else, but I kept getting drawn back, so up I got with my picture and said “I’m sorry but I’m going to pick on you as well”. People laughed so that helped, and its weird really but for the first time all week I relaxed and began to enjoy myself on the platform. I was a bit playful and playing the fool like I do when I’m teaching, and I think that gave me confidence too because public speaking doesn’t faze me much. I seemed to score one after the other, I just seemed to channel so much information about her that she’d just had a sore throat, that she was in a crossroads in her life, that the year 1973 was significant (Is it? Oh gawd yeah I got divorced!), Andrew was a member of her close family and she had just fallen in love or had her eye on someone in particular (which had everyone laughing). I can’t claim to have received any spirit messages but the information came from spirit, I'm sure. This was my first real platform work and first psychic reading. I know it’ll happen and I’m already Reaching Higher, which is exactly what the course is called. Apt.

The evening has been a big wind down. Lots of funnies at the evening party, including some wonderful send-ups; the Two Crap Mediums (I’ve got Betty Swallocks here) and especially Patrice, International Trance Medium (complete with spirit flatulence problem).

Sad it’s all over but glad to have been and not run home. Thanks Paul and Michael for encouraging me to stay. And thanks to Tony and Stuart for organising such a life-changing event, and Jan for inspiring me so much. And lastly all the people I met for sharing the experience with me.