I was Carolyn until I was almost 40.  No-one shortened my name – not ever.

I don’t exactly know when my interest started with spirit.  Being an only child I spent a lot of time in a fantasy world, head always in a book and talking to myself instead of others.  I always had a fear of being normal but at the same time was desperate to join in and wished above all else to have a sister or brother.  I wrote a lot of poetry and remember sitting down at a typewriter one day whilst still in Junior school – a very old Remington that Dad had salvaged from the office - and writing the title and first few paragraphs of my first book about being on the Titanic. I never even finished the whole page although I re-typed those paragraphs time and time again in an effort to do it without a mistake!  Have no idea why I would want to write a book on the Titanic!!!  Just thought I should.

I did not have imaginary friends, see or hear spirit whilst a child so clearly I had no latent talent.  Although something I remember at a very young age  was staring into space in my bedroom until my hands and face used to feel “fat” and everything around me looked weird!  Maybe I was meditating without knowing what it was or maybe I was going into some kind of trance! It never clicked until  a few months ago.

Apart from a desire to be on the stage (I used to sit up and sing in my sleep!) I was “normal” , nothing special.  Nothing exciting happened.  Occasionally I used to get pressure or a weird ringing in my ears in bed so I had to close my eyes tight and hide under the covers because for some reason I thought I might see something in the dark.

Mother ran away when I was 15, which was a blessed relief in some ways.  Messed me up in others!  Dad thought she was going on holiday to meet her friend – my Godmother  - she told me  she was not coming back! She did write and let him know back the next month – nice!  Still that’s a subject in itself – sure we will cover that at some point.

Seventeen saw another life changing experience – sadly not spiritual – reinforced my belief that I was no good, I was a disappointment, I did not deserve happiness. Again, more later.

At 21 I married a man that I did not want to -  just did not have the guts to back out!  Did not want to disappoint anyone again! Five years later I left not long after I lost my beloved Nana – don’t know where I got the strength  - I was ashamed again but could not spend the rest of my life being with someone who kept some things from me – mainly money, but took others – mainly my dignity! .  I was a little church mouse then, never talked, never argued, baked every Saturday, very thin, very glam, perfect looking wife!  Restless mind tho! 

A few years and another marriage later, the birth of my first child spawned my first “spiritual” encounter – I am sure of it – whatever it was I was most certainly touched by spirit.  I had been in labour for 56 hours.  I was shattered and scared stiff!  That night as I was trying to get some sleep but still keeping an eye on my new babe, I started to feel really happy.  No Euphoria!  That was it!   T he most powerful feeling of love I have ever felt.  I forgave everyone that ever had hurt me and I was smiling and tears were running down my face as I realised everything would be OK. Nothing else mattered in the whole world apart for me and that bundle that was Kayti.

I was surrounded in light – and  it dawned on me that I was dying as I felt myself sinking.  If any of you have ever fainted you will understand the hot feeling around the head, I was disappearing, I could only see a small space in front of my eyes and at that point I managed to reach for the buzzer.   People came running, I was injected, given pills, blood pressure read.  I remember apologising for making a fuss!  (Why is it I always apologise for everything?)   I came back round but felt REALLY peculiar for days afterwards.  I was never told what was up with me – never asked – but I am still convinced that it was a near death moment.  It is still vivid now.  A most wonderful feeling on the up, but the coming down was terrifying!  I guess I could have just been tired but….I don’t think so. I have not felt it again since.

Approaching my late 30’s I started to meet more people and a really weird woman in the office, put the fear of God up me by picking my hand up and telling me something I was not proud of! I wont share that here but that one thing, made me tug my hand away and keep a wide berth for a while.  She named me Caz – it stuck in the office and it kind of started my new identity!

I started to make new friends, one, the lovely Pat taught me about Reikii and a few months later I was attuned to Reiki I followed about 6 months later  by Reiki II with my new chum.  Things did not work out with our Master though and we parted company with me refusing to use my Reiki except for on my babies and the occasional friend.

Following the passing of my beloved mother-in-law, a trip to Stephen Holbrook perform lead to my first reading – a public one, as my Ex-father-in-law came through with his love. That surprised the husband sitting next to me as he was convinced people were planted in the audience! Also surprised my in-laws who were there hoping to hear from their Mum and learned something new about me instead! 

Stephen told me I was very spiritual so that spurred me on to start reading more and trying to find out exactly what that meant .  Mother had put me off God big time and due to some mistakes I had made in the past, presumed I was evil and being punished!

I tried to join Tony Stockwell’s site in my internet searching as had seen him on TV and loved his style. As I could not read anything, forgot about it for a few months until we had a new computer and was able to join up.  I very quickly made some new friends.  Everyone seemed nice plus I was getting to learn some stuff too!  Great to have somewhere you could ask questions. 

Sometime shortly after joining – I had answered a post about Tony being in the Psychic News and one lady offered to send me her copies so I could read them – which was nice as I had not spoken to her before.  Jacqui Moran!  She soon hi-jacked me and invited me along to this other site she belonged to …..Ki-Lin!  I had a wee look, liked what I saw and joined up……here I am!

January last year, members of TS were invited to any Open day to meet Tony in London!  Well I signed up but I had never been anywhere on my own before.  For various reasons I had become a bit of a recluse and used to make all manner of excuses not to go out even to family events.  It was easier to stay in as talking to strangers is just about the most frightening thing ever. Anyway Jacqui, God love her said she could meet me at Waterloo and show me to the CPS.  Was I mad?  Going off to the Big City, meeting complete strangers all of whom were weird spooky types????  

As it happens we all had a lovely time.  Met up with Cliff who I had spoken on TS and Ki-lin and his friend Paul.  It was smashing to put faces to names although I was a bit overwhelmed.  Listening to Tony talk about spirit and see some of his friends demonstrate was a great honour and an inspiration.  

Also there was a first meeting with a witch called Poo and another of our Ki-lin babes, Karen who have since become very good friends.  I was hooked and so took the bull by the horns and decided to book a weekend seminar at Eastbourne to see if I could learn a little bit more from these people that made me fee safe at last.

I must say that I owe Jacqui so much for bringing me to Janey  and the rapidly expanding network of friends at Ki-Lin who are now family. It took a while until actually meet The Boss face to face but for some reason she still felt like an old friend.

I still don’t know why I may have been chosen to work in this field or even what it is I am supposed to be doing, but it’s the first time things have made sense.  I don’t really think I “qualify” as not physically lost anyone to spirit apart from grandparents and my in-laws which have been painful but not in the wrong order of things.  Not the kind of loss which shakes the foundations of your life. I know it is only a matter of time and hope when it does come, I will have the strength and faith to see me though it. 

Until that time I cant wait to see what happens………………