August 5th 2004

I actually got into the bathroom without having to wait this morning! Most mornings I’ve been in a queue but usually we have a sleepy-eyed chat while waiting. This morning all was well though and I took my time showering and generally feeling good.

After meditation it was time for the morning meeting. Tony, as ever, was bright-eyed and full of mischief “How did everyone enjoy last night?” Murmurs of assent. “Did you all feel the willies?” More murmurs of assent. “Mmm. Thought so.” spoken with a sly glance. Cue hysterical laughter as everyone gets the joke a bit late. It’s been a pretty ribald meeting most mornings, which certainly gets the energy flowing. Gets a few other things flowing too judging by some of the wisecracks. The other morning there was a hilarious ode to Tony which had a line that went something like “forget spirituality lets have some physical reality”. Frasier has also been a highlight belting out some serious Elvis Presley with his guitar. Fantastic singer. Talk about passion!

More group work with Jan today. She really is pushing us harder now. Some of the stuff surprises me every time, at least as far I’m able to do it, but I’m in awe of some of the other group members who really are doing well. It’s great to see to look in their eyes when they realise what they’ve been able to do, or if they’ve done something for the first time. As a group we’ve really gelled and everyone is willing on everyone else. It’s such a positive atmosphere, but then again Stansted Hall is like this enormous battery and I’m sure it’ll be harder outside in the real world.

We’ve had members of staff in for us to do mini readings with, and we had to give one last piece of information so Jan went round each of us. When it got to me I asked if she knew a Peter, the lady said she did, and I was a bit wary because it felt very personal but when she sort of indicated it was ok I said, well in that case I’m being told to say ‘Peter loves you’. She looked a bit embarrassed but said she understood. She smiled thank goodness, because *I* was embarrassed by now and thought I was about to be laughed out of the room. It’s funny really, because the words just appeared in my head. I didn’t hear them as such, they were just there.

There were a number of choices after lunch and this time I decided on the past lives talk that Tony was giving. I went in thinking that yeah, people probably do come back over and over but it was thought provoking, especially when we got on to maybe even coming back living on other planets! Who knows and why not?

The afternoon group session was spent working out who was doing what on the public dem we have to give tomorrow. I’d been really reticent (inn fact most of us had been) and was happy to do a philosophy talk or just give energy to the group but then I heard this person say to Jan that Cliff could do a reading using one of her inspirational paintings. Then I realised I’d just said that! Jan looked dead pleased because she’s such an artistic soul and no-one had gone down the path of using an art-based reading. I’d done one of those readings in an exercise on another group member and I’d found it worked well for me, so I suppose I was looking for a comfort zone, but why did I offer to give a reading!!!???? I must be mad. Anyway, Jan asked me to practice so I had to stand on the platform. Then Jan says she hasn’t got the pictures with her, use the flowers in the vase. And I’m like, these things are half dead and not exactly the stuff of inspiration, but I had no choice but to give it my best shot so I examined the vase and one flower in particular caught my eye. I took a moment to open my energy up and ask the spirit world if they would help me. As I turned Jane seemed to loom large in the room and I just felt the reading was for her. It seemed to work well, but I was a bit disappointed because it was all on the psychic level and not on the mediumistic level. Oh well it’ll come I suppose.

Just last night I had this picture in my mind of a medieval woman in a cloak standing in a clearing in the woods. I had the feeling it was somewhere near where we were and then this voice, so loud and clear it made me jump, called out “Listen!” very forcefully. Maybe they mean the messages are there for me, I’m just not hearing them.

After dinner it was time for Tony’s trance dem. It was very hot in the library and the curtains were pulled to keep the light levels low. Stuart was on the stage preparing for Tony, and was answering questions about Tony’s other trance dem. Apparently a sheet had flown through the air. I asked Stuart if he had developed at all because all you ever see of Stuart is him running around organising stuff and making sure it all goes smoothly. He works damned hard. Anyway he said he had done some stuff but hadn’t for a while and ought to go back to it.

Tony came in and started to go into trance. Stuart gave the usual warnings about the danger to the medium if there’s sudden noise or light, and then Tony’s guides came through. Just like Eileen, Tony’s features changed though not to the same degree. Although I was at the front I again had problems understanding. Too dark to lipread I guess, but Zintar (or Star, not sure which one) invited members to the front. Stuart picked three people he was drawn to and one by one they came to the front. I didn’t bother putting my hand because I wouldn’t have been able to follow, and besides I was too interested in what was happening to everyone else. There was one chap that people hadn’t warmed too at all and when he sat for Zintar and placed his hands in Tony’s Zintar said yes, these are hands that have done harm but we are pleased you are here. I didn’t actually hear any of that but I’d become friendly with a lady called Margaret and she recounted afterwards the things that had come through in the readings. I wonder what sort of harm?

Tony came out of trance and there were loads of questions about the process. He said he sometimes felt like he was there but way in the distance. I can understand that actually, because after Eileen’s trance dem Jan led us through a light trance meditation ourselves to demonstrate what happens. Obviously I couldn’t hear but I’ve really earned to link in with her and found myself going deeper and deeper. As I went each step I sort of felt like I was slipping off a ledge, falling a little, then slipping off another and so on, going down further and further. I never felt scared or unsafe because I knew I could bring myself back but there absolutely were changes going on. For one thing my body felt incredibly heavy and yet at the same time it didn’t really feel like mine at all. It was just this thing all round me that felt much too big while I felt like I was just this tiny ball of consciousness somewhere deep inside myself. As I slipped deeper and deeper I felt myself becoming hot and I could feel like little pinches at my cheeks and nostrils and also my chin. I could feel my throat tighten a bit too, not in a bad way though. Then somewhere, far away, I sensed Jan bringing the group back so I began to return slowly, sort of feeling myself merge back with myself. As I did I understood exactly why trance mediums are said to be in such a delicate state because as the outside world began to filter in everything sounded so loud and discordant and yes, I felt delicate. I hadn’t actually wanted to come back, though I knew I must. It also demonstrated to me why it’s not something you should try on your own.

Well, the evening had one last surprise. It wasn’t on the schedule but Tony had decided to organise a table-tipping experiment. This is where people sit around a table with only their finger tips touching the table-top and the spirit people move the table. An old side table was brought out and four people from the group were called up to stand over it with the fingertips on top. Tony explained your fingertips should just be lightly touching, not pressing down. As the energy in the room was expanded the table began to wobble and within seconds it was rocking violently around, Tony kept replacing the people on the table and when it was my turn to come up I cast a beady eye on people’s nails to see if anyone was pressing down because you’d see the nails going white. There wasn’t a white nail in sight as the table damn near flipped and we ended up practically chasing it round the room. It has got to be the most surreal experience I’ve ever had. And to the spirit people ‘upstairs’ who were moving the table, wow, thank you!