August 4th 2004

Today was weepy Wednesday, no question about it. Everyone said the same thing and everywhere people seemed to be pulling themselves through some tough emotional stuff. It all began harmlessly enough and in the group session Jan brought out the pastels and paper to do some work on using art to link in psychically or mediumistically. I began drawing this sort of flawed rainbow and as time went on I found myself welling up and I couldn’t understand why. I remember looking at Jan and not even knowing until I said “Jan, I think it’s me”. And that was it apparently. We were all drawing reflections of ourselves and I noticed there were other weepy faces around too. I think somewhere along the line we were all linking in with each other.

After lunch Tony introduced a musician, I suppose you’d call him a New Age musician called Llewellyn and his wife, Juliana. While Llewellyn was playing some beautiful music on his keyboard, Tony invited us to go through a guided meditation with him. Well of course I couldn’t hear him but I could follow the music so I let it take me with it as I opened my mind to the spirit world. I can’t remember everything but everything in my life began to peel away and I went somewhere where I could feel beauty that was just beyond my touch, and it contrasted with so much of the negative stuff in my life. Somewhere I was conscious of Tony’s indistinct voice in the distance and that the fact I was crying, but only in the distance. Eventually I surfaced just as the music was ending and dried my eyes, to see Coral was looking at me with concern. Coral was the healer who had been working on my legs that first day and we’d had a few chats since. When we got outside we talked in the sunshine for a bit and she said gently that Weepy Wednesday did that to people. 10 seconds later I’m a sobbing heap in her arms and Tony’s come over for a chat. I think he’s been a bit concerned when I can’t hear, but by now I’ve sort of learnt to participate in my own way. Using my mind to reach hers, as Jan would say.

There was a talk on altered states by Matthew which I had been very keen on but I was feeling a bit drained so I sat it out and just let the events of the day settle in my mind. Part of me feels like I’ve been a fool and I’m quite embarrassed, the other part of me can feel the crap peeling away layer by layer and I’m getting a glimpse of a better way to live my life emotionally and mentally. I can feel a change because having gone from more or less believing in a spirit afterlife, that tiny bit of doubt has vanished and it’s like a seismic shock because everyday worries shrink into something much smaller when you realise this here and now isn’t all there is. And if it carries on, life after life, level after level, what’s there to fear that this life can throw at you? I’m not naive of course, there are necessary things that concern our wellbeing which need to be taken care of, but it’s the really big things that no longer scare me the way they did.

This afternoon Jan talked about The Public Demonstration we have to give on the last day. Note the capital letters. I’m pooing myself. I can’t do anything like that!

There was a midweek service and dem after dinner but the big thing is the EVP experiment Tony’s just done. We all sat in groups in the library (and how charged is that room???!!!!) with handheld cassette recorders. The idea is that you huddle together and just chat quietly. The letters EVP stand for Electronic Voice Phenomena and what happens is that if the energy is built up the spirits will endeavour to add their voices to the tape so that when you play it back you hear their voices over the top of yours. Well, we keep getting told that Stansted Hall is spirit central and they are all there working with us to help us learn and progress. I guess they’ve booked in for the week as much as we have :) With that in mind the experiment began and when the tapes were played back one group looked absolutely gobsmacked so Tony played back the tape and sure enough there was a loud – very loud – HELLO that sounded nothing like any of the group members. Astonishing. The spirits were working very hard and they sure pulled the rabbit out of the hat with that one. Fabulous experience!